Planning, Praise and Pride

As I've learnt to anticipate meltdowns and avoid them we rarely see them any more. This is great news for me, I'm getting to understand situations and circumstances that might overexcite, overtire, overwhelm our son and manage them. It means he still gets to do all the stuff we would normally do but we anticipate problems well in advance, plan for them and hopefully avoid them. It doubles the workload of a normal family outing but is always worth it in the end. However,when we go through long periods of time with success I forget to do the basic stuff that our son needs to stay on top of his every day emotions. I'm guilty of that at the moment and it caught up on me yesterday. I strongly believe that a happy child is an achieving child and over the last two weeks I've had the feeling that somethings just not quite right. It wasn't manifesting itself in the old explosive way but I just felt uneasy. Things at school were ticking over but my son wasn't proud of his work and was coming home complaining of 'always being on a warning'. This should rung warning bells, when he feels like he isn't doing well at something it more often that not turns into a self fulfilling prophecy and he gets worse and worse until he does explode. Two weeks ago I should have gone into his classroom and admired his work, rejoiced in his successes and made him feel like an achiever, I should have done it every day for a week until he came bouncing out of school bursting to tell me about some little thing he had done that day that he was proud of. Instead I got nervous and worried and did nothing, I hoped it would pass and that he would pull himself together. The result, a HUGE meltdown in school yesterday. Dealt with magnificently by his class teacher but sad because I know it should have been avoided. Having had a meltdown he now feels like a failure and I've a mammoth task to get him to believe in himself again. As my Mum always says 'little and often' (although that is about staying on top of housework). The moment I struggle to find something to praise him for and find myself sighing because he has had another bad day at school I need to take action. Spirited children don't give you a moment to sit back and relax, every day is like planning for that outing.

Spirited Children in Literature

I always try to think positively about situations we might find ourselves in. After a disappointing Sports Day I decided to cheer myself up by listing as many spirited children in literature as I could. I only managed to make it to 3 before I was called away to sort something out (or abruptly dragged away from my daydreaming) but I'll list them here all the same and keep adding to the list whenever I think of any more. It does me good to remember that some of my favourite characters might be considered spirited and much more able to look at my son after a bad day with a proud smile and a sense that one day he's going to do amazing things. My List of Spirited Children Jane Eyre George from the Famous Five Scout from To Kill a Mockingbird

School Assemblies

Today I had a school assembly. At some point I will talk about how it feels to be the parent that other parents whisper about, avoid or give sympathetic smiles to but today I'm sharing the emotions I go through with a school assembly. School assemblies are always a nervous time for me. Is my son going to sit still for the whole thing, will he wriggle, will he shout out, will he get told off for talking and then have a meltdown, will he do his part without a hiccup, worse case scenario, will he get carried out screaming and crying (yes this HAS happened in the past). Some assemblies go really well, he might wriggle, look bored and not join in but he manages to get through without being noticed. These are the assemblies that see me leave with a sigh of relief and a heavy heart. I know that a decision has been made to leave him out and not give him a part rather than 'manage' him. I can get over my feelings of disappointment knowing that he is none the wiser. But other assemblies (like today's) when a brave, kind, enthusiastic teacher has put her faith and confidence in my son's ability to deliver a 10 word speech to the rest of the school and parents there is always a good chance that I won't be leaving with my head held high. Today was one of those days. When my son's moment arrived he refused to get up and make his speech, his teacher tired her best to persuade him but it was no good, another child was called up to take over. I knew my son would regret not taking part and I watched him start to squirm and wriggle, then wave his piece of paper in the direction of his teacher making squeaking noises. Eventually he was allowed to come to the front and given another chance to read his bit, he took one look at everyone and curled into a ball on the floor, at which point his teacher read his work for him, this was met by my son with shouts of 'no, don't read it' followed by cheers and laughing from the rest of the school (and a teacher I noticed). He crawled back to his seat whimpering and tearful, looking around to find me and pull and sad face and put his thumbs down. Its at this point that my heart breaks for him, I want him to have an easier life, I want him to find things as straight forward as other kids, I want him to be successful. I'm also annoyed, I want to know what is so hard about that tiny task, why did he have to make it so difficult, why couldn't he have declined without making such a fuss, why did he show me up...AGAIN! And then I have to put aside my feelings and remember that he needs me to believe in him, to not be cross or annoyed but to understand that he didn't squeak, turn into a little ball, shout and cry to upset or annoy me (or his teacher), he didn't do it to make the other kids laugh. He really wanted to read out his work today, he wanted to feel proud of himself, he wanted to make me proud of him, but his emotions got the better of him and as his emotions are intense and he tends to act on his feelings rather than thinking through the consequences, today's assembly didn't go quite to plan. I wanted to tell him to pull himself together, to shake my head and pull a sad face back but I didn't. When he eventually found me and stuck his thumbs down and pulled a sad face I mouthed back 'don't worry, I love you' and gave him the thumbs up and the best smile I could manage. He shook his head and tears rolled down his cheeks. Its hard to be understanding when your own emotions are so strong but I have to be there to let him know I accept him and love him unconditionally. I cried all the way home, knowing that my son is sad and might not pull himself together for the rest of the day and that I have to take the playground walk of shame at pickup. It's days like this I picture the excitement, wonder and innocence he gets from the simplest of things, finding an interesting bug, running through woods, building camps, discovering something new, treasure hunting, riding his bike. I remember the excited way in which he will tell me about his findings and adventures. I find joy in his love and appreciation of life and then I find the strength to lift my head back up and show him that no matter what we go through together I'm on his side. One day he'll present at conferences or deliver the most amazing speeches, I hope I get to go along to at least one so I can walk away and say 'that was my son! 15 years ago he'd have been curled up in a ball crying'.

Welcome

Hi and welcome to my blog. As a Mum of 2 small children, one of whom falls under the label of 'spirited' I occasionally find myself asking 'why me?' I look around at other parents who, on the outside are having an easier time than me, whose children don't hide or cry in school assemblies, don't sit on the ground in the playground and refuse to come home after a bad day at school, don't ask question after question until you've had to research and write a mini dissertation in order to find an in depth answer to satisfy their need to understand what began as a simple observation or question, don't lay awake at night fretting about the day ahead and the list could go on and on. Until recently I thought that I was the only one out there with a child like mine. I wondered where I was going wrong as a parent (or what I'd done in a past life). Then I came across Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's Raising Your Spirited Child and my world changed. If you are interested in understanding Spirited Children then I highly recommend her book. For a quick overview then www.spiritedkids.co.uk is well worth a look. So why am I blogging? Well, firstly a purely selfish reason, writing is a form of therapy and in theory should help me. Secondly, having searched UK sites for info on Spirited Children I came away disappointed. Hopefully, in reading this blog people will understand and sympathise with more challenging children, I might also be able to provide encouragement and hope for parents who are reading this blog and who have a Spirited Child. Finally, I'm blogging in the hope that my wonderfully imaginative, creative, sensitive, intense and energetic son might be viewed as all these things rather than a 'problem child'.